April is a sweetie pie who I relate to. She can’t quite figure herself out: rainy + cold or warm + sunny? Rainy +…sunny? When the magnolia trees start to bloom she hears, “FINALLY! Spring is HERE! Look how GORGEOUS!” And two days later, when the wind scatters the flowers to the pavement, she hears, “Guess it’s fucking winter again.” I bet April is thinking, “Buy some fucking rain boots, ALEXA!!”
I understand the back and forth of sunshine and rain. Of #IHaveMyShitTogether and #IMostCertainlyDoNotHaveMyShitTogether. Of self-kindness and self-criticism. Of “I love these jeans!” and “I don’t own a single piece of clothing that looks good on my body, how am I 30 years old and I don’t know how to dress myself, what was I thinking when I bought this????”
Instead of criticizing this misty and hopeful month of forgotten umbrellas and optimistic sleeve-less shirts, imagine if I…didn’t? Huh, what a concept. What would I even say?
“I feel you, April. Stick it out.”
“Some days it be like this.”
“I’m so glad you had a great day!”
“Dang girl, looking stunning today.”
“Take extra care of yourself.”
Huh. I’m the month of April, oscillating between sunshine-butter-yellow-tulips and the low rumble of thunder at 2am. Instead of saying, “Ugh WHY are you rumbling, stop rumbling, stop it right NOW,” I want to say, “Rumble away.”
Some pretty beautiful things…
1) A man riding a bike smiled at me
I was also on a bike with my dog Honey in a backpack, swerving all over the place as I trudged up a hill in Central Park. I said, “Sorry!” as man-riding-the-bike dodged my sporadic movements. He responded, “All good!” But wait—there’s more! He then turned his face back to look at me and gave me a full-toothed smile. He GRINNED! I smiled back, gums and all. You know when the motivational speakers tell you to smile at strangers because it helps us feel connected and it’s a simple act of kindness that can make a difference in someone’s day? Well, they’re right. Beauty.
2) Sharing a diet-coke with a friend
Our good friend Safi visited us the last weekend in April. As soon as he arrived I offered him a diet coke and we sat down to eat lunch. We both love diet coke and all month long I looked forward to saying “cheers” and clinking our glasses together. The little things we share, the bits and bobs that help build a friendship? Beauty.
3) The 5 year old I babysit said I’m his best friend
I just about melted into a puddle 5 miles wide. Beauty.
4) Sitting at a bar with my girlfriend
I think 16 year old Alexa would be enthralled by this diary entree: “Dinner with Katy. Just girls being girls. Giggly, prosecco.” Beauty.
5) Having someone else wash and blow-dry my hair
Sometime mid-April I decided that I wanted to feel beautiful— so I booked an appointment at Blow Bar and walked out a new woman. What is it about someone washing your hair and then blow-drying it for 20 minutes that makes you feel unstoppable? All I know is that it’s life-giving and anything that’s life-giving is worth investing in. At least that’s what I’m telling myself. Beauty.
6) A transcendent sandwich from Eataly
I’m not sure the name of the shop but it was a roasted red pepper and basil sandwich on salty focaccia and it was dripping in olive oil and balsamic. I sat outside on a bench and gloriously enjoyed every bite. Then I saw a young couple reunite in front of me and I was so high on dopamine that I burst out, “Your ‘hello’ was so beautiful, real NYC love!” Whatever that means. Beauty.
7) These tulips
I hope you had an April. I imagine it had some beauty, I bet it had some rain. I hope that the next time you feel stormy or the sunshine doesn’t come with a rainbow, you give yourself grace. It rains all year long, after all.
xo,
alexa
Heyy Alexa , I wanted to write it to you on gram but great ! A comment section . This is actually so beautiful and “life giving “ wink 😉. Your writing is poetically so good and as a reader who’s just starting and thinks about writing , this is so hopeful , please keep going and enjoying what you do , love ya ! Eric
As per usual, I get teary when I read your writing love. xoxo I hope Miss May inspires you as much as April did. xoxoxoxo